


The Birthday Gift

by Waywardwiz



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: I'm addicted to it, I'm aware that I do the Han/Leia "I love you"/"I know" thing a lot in my fic, M/M, and I could be addicted to drugs so I think this is the better option, but I'm a sucker for it, it's one of the best and most romantic things ever, my sweet boys are in love, super duper explicit, these are bad tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 02:04:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11281476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waywardwiz/pseuds/Waywardwiz
Summary: Another Ted and Barney-thing.A few boring things first, for the sake of being correct on the relevant Star Wars stuff. I have taken some liberties concerning Stormtrooper facts. if you find anything that doesn't add up I can assure you that I do know my SW stuff, I just had to make some changes for the story to make sense."Ted leans down and plants a sweet kiss on Barney’s forehead. He tangles his fingers in blonde hair and tugs lightly, drawing a small, contented hum from Barney. They smile at each other and the sensation of being so, so in love is overwhelming and stunning, hitting Barney with the same force as a football to the gut. It’s sort of painful – he is unaccustomed to feeling so much, his chest is tight with emotions – but still ridiculously wonderful. Having been abandoned and let down so many times during his childhood and young adult life, Barney never stopped to think that he might deserve more than what he was getting. Before Ted, that is.“I have another present for you”."





	The Birthday Gift

**The Birthday Gift**

 

It’s not like Barney hates birthdays or something. He just doesn’t see what the big deal is. Yeah, you have managed to stay alive for another 365 days, big woop. Sure, the presents are neat, the cake, too, but when you are a man who strives to make every night legendary it takes a lot for a single day to stand out. And so, on his birthday of 2014, Barney is pretty sure what to expect. The only thing that sets this birthday apart from the last is the fact that this year he woke up with his boyfriend next to him. Ted had kissed his cheek, fresh stubble rough against Barney’s skin, and murmured “good morning, birthday boy” into his ear.

Then Barney had received the best birthday quickie of his life. That was pretty nice, but still not too different from normal mornings. There is a certain cookie-cutter formula to the way their little group celebrates birthdays. They all meet up for breakfast – this time in Barney’s apartment -, the birthday boy/girl unwraps his/her presents, they sing an extremely off-key version of “happy birthday to you” and then they all go about their day. Later they get together at a restaurant of the man/woman of the hour’s choosing, have a few drinks, reminiscence about the “good old days” (they all turn ancient and melancholic on birthdays) and then they split up.  
Today has been no different. They dined in Barney’s favorite Italian restaurant. He had the seafood ravioli and tiramisu for desert and it was delicious.  All things considered it was a good time. Not legendary-er than usual, but good nonetheless.

And now he and Ted are back at Barney’s place. They are lazing about on the couch, Ted reclining against the armrest and Barney settled cozily between his legs, head resting against his friend’s chest. Ted is stroking his hair and Barney’s fingers curl into the fabric of the other man’s shirt, the fabric soft against his hands. He likes this quiet intimacy. The steady thrum of Ted’s heartbeat is comforting and the remarks he makes on what happens on the screen (they are watching _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ ) barely keeps Barney from drifting off, he is that relaxed.  
About an hour into the movie, just as Indiana has executed a new death-defying stunt, Ted says gently, his breath warm against Barney’s ear, “babe?”  
“Yeah” Barney says, looking at Ted through the corner of his eyes. His boyfriend is looking at him intently, eyes bright and warm, a tender smile pulling at the corner of his lips. It’s that expression that always manages to turn Barney into a messy puddle of infatuation and this time is no exception. “What is it?” he asks, wiggling a little so that he is lying with the back of his head in Ted’s lap. He looks up at him through long lashes and smiles a bit smugly when he hears Ted draw in a shaky breath. They have been together for shy of two years now and both know exactly which buttons to push to get whatever response they desire from the other.

Ted leans down and plants a sweet kiss on Barney’s forehead. He tangles his fingers in blonde hair and tugs lightly, drawing a small, contented hum from Barney. They smile at each other and the sensation of being so, so in love is overwhelming and stunning, hitting Barney with the same force as a football to the gut. It’s sort of painful – he is unaccustomed to _feeling_ so much, his chest is tight with _emotions_ – but still ridiculously wonderful. Having been abandoned and let down so many times during his childhood and young adult life, Barney never stopped to think that he might deserve more than what he was getting. Before Ted, that is.  
“I have another present for you”  
Barney crocks his head, forehead creasing with curiosity, “but you’ve already given me one, in the restaurant”. He smiles and adds, “and I’m very happy with it. Didn’t I tell you so? because I am”  
He finds Ted’s hand and presses it briefly to his cheek. Ted bought him an Advanced Magic Kit from Amazon and Barney is itching to try it out. But that is an endeavor for tomorrow. Tonight he is content to lie here with Ted, basking in happiness and warmth and knowing that Ted will kiss him goodnight. He feels the ghostly imprint of lips against the skin behind his ear and his chest feels light with serenity. God, he’s so in love, it’s not even funny.

“I know” Ted assures him, “and I feel obligated to remind you that you have two out of three fire strikes against you at McLaren’s”  
“fire strikes, smire smikes” Barney mimics with a grin, “Carl would never kick me out for real, who would buy all the scotch? The place would go bankrupt without me”  
Ted laughs, and Barney adores it. He worships every sound Ted makes, but especially that bemused little chuckle, and Barney thinks that he, somehow, subconsciously, has always adored it, since that they night when they met in the restroom (“kids, have I ever told you the story of how I met your father? It was at a urinal...”). Every ridiculous stunt, every stupid joke, every magic trick has been in the service of making Ted laugh or smile or both. He didn’t know it then but he does now and that is what matters.  
He says, stroking the back of Ted’s hand, carefully feeling out the calluses beneath his fingertips, “what is it?”  
He looks around and doesn’t see anything that might resemble a gift. Then he notices something funny and delightful; a hint of red in Ted’s cheek. He is flushed, but why?

“It’s more of an, eh, activity” Ted, suddenly shy, says. He clears his throat and averts his eyes, but the quiet shadow of a smile still lingers. “I need to get up”.  
There is a nervous quiver to his voice, and Barney worries but doesn’t say anything as he doesn’t want to dissuade Ted. The latter seems determined, though. Barney quickly skooches to the other end of the couch and Ted stands. He looks at Barney and something in his gaze softens, “don’t worry. I’m fine. Just a little nervous”  
“Nervous about what?” Barney can’t help asking, troubled even though Ted told him not to be, “Ted, you don’t have to – “  
Ted cuts him off with a kiss; soft at first, then more heated as Barney starts to relax, melting like candlewax in Ted’s arms. Then Ted takes a step back and says, “just gimme a sec, I’ll be right back”.

He then disappears into Barney’s bedroom, only to appear again a few seconds later. He sits down next to Barney, who isn’t as much anxious as he is thoroughly confused.  
“What is it?”  
“I wanted to be mysterious and suave, but... What’s your safeword?”  
This time it is Barney’s turn to blush and he does so profusely. His cock stirs with interest in his pants.  
“Kokomo”  
A glimmer of amusement shifts across Ted’s serious expression, “okay. Kokomo. And promise me you’ll tell me if I do something, anything, that’s going too far”  
“Ted –  
“Promise” Ted insists.  
“I promise” Barney says as earnestly as he can manage. They have tried BDSM a fair amount of times, so they know each other’s boundaries by heart. Both of them are okay with getting rough, toys and being tied up are fine, dirty talk is encouraged. It’s all pretty standard except they have a hard limit against degrading names (Barney has been called a slut too many times during his time of being sexually active to find it in any way stimulating) and physical violence. Ted being this intent on Barney remembering their rules indicates that this time must be different from usually.  
A thrill of excitement light Barney’s nerves on fire and the feeling only intensifies when Ted rises again. He looks down at Barney and there is something predatory in his eyes, something that makes Barney feel hot and cold all at the same time.  
“I want you to be naked when I come out” Ted says. Then he leaves.

This time he stays in the bedroom for a while and Barney’s excitement only increases by the minute. Almost dizzy with anticipation he starts to strip down. His shirt briskly joins his pants on the floor, along with his underwear, and he is standing there, naked and shivering, dick already at half-mast. He is breathing harshly and his hands, curled into tight balls of excess energy, are shaking at his sides. He wants to call out Ted’s name, ask what is taking so long, but instead he toes out of his socks and kicks his clothes out of the way. Wouldn’t want to trip over them while doing... Whatever it is that Ted has got planned.  
Then, suddenly, the silence is interrupted by a brusque command, “turn around”. The voice talking is strange, sort of muffled, but unmistakably Ted’s. Barney follows the order without as much as a second thought. There are goosebumps on his flesh and he can’t decide whether they come from the low temperature of his living room or the harsh timbre to Ted’s instructions.  
His whole body feels so raw, delicate, like he might fall apart when touched. The longing is like an ache, desire thrumming through his veins, reverberating just beneath his skin. His eyes slip shot and he draws in a deep breath as he tries to steady himself.

There are footsteps behind him, he hears them, and he is so _hot_ all over. Ted hasn’t put a hand on him, yet already he is a needy mess.  
Then there is something grasping his hips, something cold and hard. Having expected a warm touch this otherness completely throws him and he gasps, mouth falling open in surprise. He tries to speak but no words come out. Instead he looks down and sees long fingers covered in plastic, stark white against his flushed skin. A long moan slips from between his parted lips and his legs just about give out. Although something rational in his mind tells him that this is Ted, Ted stroking his sides and chest, Ted breathing through a filter, wetly against his neck, the person standing behind him is also a soldier of the assault force of the Galactic Empire. A Stormtrooper. _His_ Stormtrooper. Barney looks to the corner of the room and, sure enough, his life-size model of a trooper is missing. Because it is behind him. With Ted inside it.  
This has been Barney’s chief unfulfilled fantasy since the first time he watched the trilogy while sexually aware enough to know that he was really into this. He is royally screwed, he realizes as he whines, words thin and breathy, “Ted, oh God, please”

One pale hand leaves his chest and Barney wonders for a second where it went. Then those long fingers wrap themselves loosely around his throat and his brain all but short-circuit. Ted tightens his hold ever so slightly, not enough to close off Barney’s air supply but certainly enough for him to pretend.  
“Ted who?”  
“I – “ Barney stammers, wheezing through clenched teeth, “you, I don’t...”  
His mind is reeling and his cock is throbbing painfully between his legs.  
“I am nameless” the trooper says in an indifferent voice (Barney will have to work out with himself later why that’s hot), “but if you must you can address me TEYN-0425”  
_Jesus, he’s even though up an ID_ a quick thought informs Barney, then disappears into the sea of things that doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matter is that Ted is doing this for him.

“yes, okay” he says. When he speaks he can feel the firm pressure against his windpipe and the sensation is delicious. “Please” he says, and he isn’t quite sure what he is asking for but he needs something to happen right about now. Having a Stormtrooper ravish him is certainly a dream come true, but he really needs to come and this is not enough.  
“Please, what? What do you want?” TEYN-0425 asks. His other hand, the one not clasped around Barney’s neck, slides down his shoulder and stops at a nipple, which it squeezes hard, on the edge of painful. Barney writhes and whimpers at the sensation. It hurts, but in such a perfect way. There is no way for Ted to be graceful or gentle in that big suit, but those things aren’t what Barney wants, anyway. He wants rough. He wants to be wrecked and unable to walk properly tomorrow. He wants.  
“Anything, anything you want” Barney gasps, “tell me what to do, I’ll do it, I’ll do it”  
Ted – the Stormtrooper – doesn’t waste a second, forcefully turning him around on the spot. Barney’s pupils widen as he stares into the helmet’s darkened visor which is obscuring its’ wearer’s eyes. He searches for any sign of Ted beneath the armor but only the voice, which is also scrambled, gives the trooper’s identity away.

“On your knees, rebel” the soldier snaps and Barney falls to his knees obediently, cheeks burning and hands twitching in his lap as he awaits the next command. He feels his member pulsing beneath his hand, the head red and leaking pre-come, and the redness spreads to his ears. What a sight he must make.  
The trooper lets go of Barney’s shoulders and shifts his attention to his armor. A Stormtrooper armor consists of 18 overlapping plates which are rather complicated to move around if you are unfamiliar with the way the equipment’s individual parts fit together. Ted, clearly, is not. He removes the codpiece with practiced ease and tosses it aside carelessly. He is naked beneath the suit, Barney notices, and his mouth is suddenly very dry.  Ted’s cock is poking out from between the plates and it should look ridiculous but it doesn’t and Barney really want to get his mouth on that. As if the trooper has read his mind it says, “suck”. Barney shuffles forward on his knees, hands eager as he takes a hold of his captor’s leg for support. He is just about to take the soldier’s length into his mouth when a hand fists roughly in his hair and pulls him forward. Barney’s jaws go slack with shock as the stormtrooper’s erection is shoved in between his lips, all the way to the back of his throat. Barney gags against the intrusion – Ted is _huge_ – but soon gets accustomed to breathing through his nose, and when he does he can really get into it. The trooper’s fingers twists into Barney’s hair, brutally pulling at his scalp as he thrusts forward with all the refinement of an angry bull. Barney’s cries are muffled into a series of incomprehensible noises. He reaches for himself, aching to get some release, but freezes up when the man in the armor barks, “hands at your side, you filthy criminal”.

Barney chokes on a whimper but does as he is told. The trooper abuses his mouth, causing tears to well up in Barney’s eyes, but they aren’t there because he is hurting. No, he is crying because he needs to be taken and used. He is a rebel on a mission, taken captive by the Empire, and they all know – from rumors whispered in the mess hall – what happens to prisoners. They are dealt with, swift and mercilessly.  
The soldier shoves into his mouth a few more times before pulling out. A string of spit connects the head of his cock to Barney’s lips before it breaks apart. Barney is granted a moment to catch his breath. His head hasn’t been released yet, the hand in his hair like a vice.  
Barney, getting into his role, pleads, “no, please, let me go!”  
There must have been something unintentionally desperate to his voice, because the Stormtrooper lets go at once, like he has been zapped with an electric charge, and it is Ted, his Ted, who says, question laced with concern, “Barney, are you okay?”  
Pressing the assurance past his raw throat Barney says, “I’m fine, promise. Go on”  
Ted has yet to entirely get the hang on when the safeword is or isn’t in play. He cares for Barney so deeply and is always anxious not to hurt him. Barney loves that about him even if it tends to spoil the mood a little bit.

But then Ted gets back into character so effortlessly it was like he never left. He hisses, “I didn’t say you could talk. You’re nothing but rebel scum, you know that? fighting a losing battle, pathetic little rats”  
He thumbs at the corner of Barney’s lips as he leans down, his helmeted face close to Barney’s, “what are you?”  
Barney cries out when the trooper tugs sharply at his hair, “I’m scum”  
“Yes, you are” his captor agrees before he takes a few steps back, “prepare yourself for me”.  
Barney’s brain is working sluggishly, clouded with desire as it is. He just stares at the Stormtrooper uncomprehendingly until said trooper growls low in his throat, a threatening sound that goes straight to Barney’s nether region.  
“I am going to fuck you. I am going to take you and fuck you until you scream for mercy” he says, voice like ice, cold and unfeeling, “I’ll allow you to loosen yourself if you do so now. Don’t test my patience”  
He reaches for an object he abandoned on the coffee table when he came back into the living room. Barney didn’t notice it, but he certainly does now. It’s a bottle of lube.  
The Stormtrooper throws it to him and Barney scrambles to catch it, his movements clumsy and slow. With shaking fingers he unscrews the cap and squeezes a generous amount of liquid into his palm. It’s cold against his heated skin and he breathes sharply at the contact.  
Unceremoniously he puts his hand between his legs and finds his hole. He gingerly starts pushing against the sensitive rim, gasping softly when it gives way for his finger. Feeling around for that place, that special like area that makes him tick, he adds a second finger next to the first. The stretch burns at first but then, soon, turns heavenly as he pumps his fingers in and out. He tries to keep the sound in but can’t suppress a groan. It feels so good, and knowing what is to come make it even better.  He is keenly aware of the trooper watching him from behind his visor and that turns him on like you wouldn’t believe.

Suddenly the trooper is kneeling next to him. He quickly manhandles Barney onto his hands and knees and Barney’s breath hitches with excitement and some measure of fear. The man above him takes the lube where it has been discarded on the floor and coats his fingers in it. Barney looks over his shoulder – he wants to see – but a large hand forces his head down so that he is looking at the floor. He makes a sound of protest which turns into a loud keening yell as a finger, cold and artificial, breaches him, driven inside his tight channel. It burns so good and he whines and bucks and cries out, and then a second and a third finger is pushed in next to the first one and _fuck_.  
The Stormtrooper scissors his fingers inside Barney, opening him, and Barney breathes through the pain until pleasure takes over completely and he is pushing back against the soldier’s hand, eager for more. He is panting wantonly, his mouth hanging open like a dog in heat. He has a hard time forming words but when they do come there is no stopping them, “please, sir, please! I need it, fuck! Ah, shit - ”  
“what do you want?” the raspy voice asks from above. Barney’s answer is broken into pieces when a particularly well-placed thrust hits his prostate, setting off fireworks inside his field of vision, “I want you – ah! – fuck me, please! I need your cock, give it to me”  
“You won’t try to run off again?” the Stormtrooper asks and Barney thrills at this new layer added to their little in-canon story.  
“No, I promise!” he cries and arches his back, biting down on a ragged moan “I’ll be good, just, please”  
The plastic drags against his insides and Barney is falling to pieces. Then the fingers are gone and he is loose and empty. He murmurs, unable to control himself, “I won’t run, not ever, just take me, make me dirty, I need - ”

“Quiet” says the Stormtrooper. Barney clamps up, lips locked tightly so to prevent any more filthy babbling from spilling out. The trooper moves so that he is situated behind Barney. Barney feels his touch like a burning rod against the skin of his butt and when the other man starts spreading his cheeks, Barney whimpers, trembling like a leaf in a storm. He bites the inside of his cheeks to prevent himself from crying out but the effort is for nothing because he does so anyway when the soldier pushes first the head, then the rest of his large cock inside of him. He rocks forward with slow thrusts until he is all the way buried inside, bottoming out inside Barney and punching a wet moan out of the blonde’s chest. The Stormtroopers is completely still for a second, and Barney hears faint traces of heavy breathing coming from behind the helmet. Then the trooper begins to fuck him in earnest and Barney sees a million stars. TEYN-0425’s hips snap forward in powerful thrusts, filling Barney to the brim with his massive girth as he pounds into him.  
Barney can only focus on the sweet burn and the wonderful feeling of being full, and he is so desperate, it’s so good, he feels like he might just be going insane; he barely recognizes his own voice as he gasps, “Fuck, God you’re so amazing! Faster, please – talk to me, now, I need – “  
The soldier moans loudly and shifts the angle of his thrusts, causing Barney to cry out in pure ecstasy as he is (at least it feels like he is) being torn apart down the middle.

Groaning into his ear the trooper hisses, “you’re so fucking perfect, you know that, for a rebel?  So beautiful, it would be such a shame to put you back in that cell”  
Barney moans brokenly, rocking back on the stormtrooper’s cock, and is surprised when the solid weight of two arms wrap around his back and pulls him up so that he is in his enemy’s lap, and wow, that’s a whole other level of intense, this feeling of being split open. The trooper pounds into him hard and fast, his hands like steel around Barney’s shoulders, and Barney looks into that passive mask and whimpers. As his head falls forward onto the stranger’s shoulder he loses all sense of time and place. His prostate is being hit with every thrust, the rhythm is absolutely perfect and the steady string of words that the other man is groaning into his ear is hot as sin, “if you behave, I will keep you up here, with me. You want that?”  
Barney is surrounded and full and wild with pleasure, he couldn’t say no to anything at this point, so he murmurs, “yes, I want that, I’m yours, please keep me”  
He places his hand on the trooper’s breastplate for leverage and smiles, feeling blissed out and wonderful and on fire, before he starts to move. He bounces on the trooper’s cock, relishing in the feeling of cold fingers tightening on his hips and the sounds of broken moans coming from behind the mask.  
“I will, pet, fuck  - you look so pretty like that, you’re so tight and gorgeous”  
Barney squeezes tight around the cock in his ass, making a strangled noise as he does so, and flings back his head in abandon. He feels himself nearing the edge, careening towards it at top speed, and he wants to come but there is something he wants more, something that has to happen first.

“Take off your helmet” he pleads with the trooper, whose surprise causes him to fall out of rhythm for a few seconds.  
“protocol dictates – “ he begins, but then seems to recognize the urgency in Barney’s request. He lets go of the rebel’s waist and carefully pushes off the helmet, revealing eyes hungry and dark, skin glistening with sweat and a mess of dark hair.

Ted looks confused, even as he picks up the pace again. He wraps his arms tightly around Barney and he kisses his chest, mouthing over his nipples, making Barney whimper.  
“Barney – “  
“Kiss me” Barney says, putting his hands on Ted’s face, warm beneath his fingertips, “kiss me, please, I want you”  
Ted kisses him, eyes burning with something fierce, and Barney keeps up his babble against his lips, “I love you, I love you. so good to me”  
His voice is winded and his entire body is shaking with the need to come, and he clutches as Ted’s neck, digging his nails into soft, human skin. Ted moans, a deep sound that Barney swallows, and kisses every little part of Barney he can reach – his cheeks, nose, forehead, lips – while whispering, “I love you, Barney, you’re beautiful”  
He then looks up and catches Barney’s gaze. His eyes are incredibly dark and Barney could easily fall into them and be lost forever. His face is blissful and full of desire, and Barney wants to say that he is being absurd, because if anyone here is beautiful, it’s Ted. He doesn’t, though. Instead he presses his mouth to Ted’s ear and whisper, “come inside me, Ted”

Ted shudders, his fingers carving bruises into Barney’s hips, and after a few hurried thrusts he comes, muffling a scream into Barney’s shoulder. His movements come to a stuttering halt as he exhales deeply, trying to come back to earth, metaphorically speaking. Barney barely has time to notice his own abandoned arousal before Ted touches their foreheads together and sweetly says, “your turn”. He wraps his long fingers around Barney and strokes him. It doesn’t take a lot; one, two , six, then Barney is coming between their stomach, screaming his release.  
Completely spent he slumps against Ted, who envelopes him in a tight embrace. Opening his eyes Barney sees the Stormtrooper helmet lying off to the side, there to remind him what Ted will do to make him happy. Ted will do anything to make Barney happy, and Barney feels the same way about Ted. It’s a humbling thought.  
“Thank you” he whispers into Ted’s neck, and the other chuckles softly.  
“For what?” Ted says.  
Barney leans back so that he can really look at him, “for doing this. For me. It means a lot”

The smile that blooms forth on Ted’s face could power the Millennium Falcon all by itself, “you’re welcome”. There is a mischievous glint in his eyes as he adds, “rebel scum”.  
Barney blushes and murmurs, a little shy, “yeah. I kinda like the sound of that”  
Ted grins and kisses Barney gently, “rebel, my rebel”  
“Is that going to become a thing now?” Barney asks with a groan, but in reality he couldn’t be more pleased.  
“If you blush like that every time I say it, then yeah” Ted says.  
He then asks, tilting his head to the side like a curious owl, “why did you ask me to take the helmet off? I thought you liked it”  
Barney carefully frees himself, climbing off of Ted’s lap. He stands on shaky legs and reaches for Ted to help him up off the floor.  
“I did” he says with a smile, “it was amazing. But I wanted to kiss you, and to see your face”  
Ted looks pleased at that, and he allows Barney to lead him into the bathroom to clean themselves up and get Ted out of the armor. Barney looks over his shoulder to the Stormtrooper helmet. He will have to put the suit back together, but that can wait until tomorrow.

When they lie in bed later, Barney muses on birthdays. He forgot to account for an important factor to his previous statement about birthdays being just like any other days. They aren’t. They are legendary as well. Every single day is legendary as long as he has Ted to share it with. He wonders if Ted truly knows how much he loves him. Barney decides then and there that he will tell him so every day from now on.  
“I love you”  
“I know”


End file.
